Thursday, March 31, 2011
This is the post in which I complain about my friends being happy.
But seriously. Sometimes it feels like they're flaunting it. And then they get boyfriends and all they talk about are their boyfriends. Meanwhile, I'm standing there, nodding and smiling, getting irritated. Was I like that when I had a boyfriend? Was he all I talked about? Did I irritate them the same way? I like to think I wasn't that way, but who can tell? Maybe the reason I'm annoyed is because I'm jealous. I'd like someone to think about, someone that's mine. But no. Every guy I like either has to use me, smother me, ignore me or just not like me. So I'm reduced to sitting on my laptop all day, complaining that my friends are happy and throwing a little pity party for myself. There's not even any party hats for that.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
It's a process.
Better? Is there ever going to be a time when I feel that I am better?
It's a process, I know. But I am sick of processes. I am sick of waiting.
The worst part is that I'm falling into old habits. I was doing so good for a while. And now I'm slipping. I'm so angry with myself. Why can't I be better? Why can't I do what I need to do to get there?
The only two things I can rely on at this point are God and music.
God, you say? Yes. God. This coming from the girl who has messed up so many times that she doesn't know which way is up. The only time I feel like I can get better, be a better person, or that I'm going through this for a reason is when I'm really connecting to Him. Without that, there would be no hope. Without believing in God, all of this would be completely pointless and it wouldn't matter one way or another if I- dare I say it?- killed myself. It's that hope that keeps me going most days.
And then there's music. Brand New in particular. I get to feel something when I listen to music. Other times, I just feel numb. But music gives me a sort of catharsis, it helps me make sense of things.
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