Better? Is there ever going to be a time when I feel that I am better?
It's a process, I know. But I am sick of processes. I am sick of waiting.
The worst part is that I'm falling into old habits. I was doing so good for a while. And now I'm slipping. I'm so angry with myself. Why can't I be better? Why can't I do what I need to do to get there?
The only two things I can rely on at this point are God and music.
God, you say? Yes. God. This coming from the girl who has messed up so many times that she doesn't know which way is up. The only time I feel like I can get better, be a better person, or that I'm going through this for a reason is when I'm really connecting to Him. Without that, there would be no hope. Without believing in God, all of this would be completely pointless and it wouldn't matter one way or another if I- dare I say it?- killed myself. It's that hope that keeps me going most days.
And then there's music. Brand New in particular. I get to feel something when I listen to music. Other times, I just feel numb. But music gives me a sort of catharsis, it helps me make sense of things.
