If I could start at the beginning, I would. But frankly, I have no idea where or when this began.
So I'll tell you about right now.
I am going to be 20 in exactly two months.
I go to college, but I use "go" loosely, considering I hardly make it to class and I'm probably failing everything.
I work the customer service counter at a grocery store. I both love and hate my job. I love it for the people I work with (though this number continues to dwindle). I hate it because of creepy dudes, rude customers, and awful upper management.
I am not dating. After being used too many times and being almost suffocated by a relationship, I am too weary to do it anymore. I blame most of the things I've suffered in this area on myself. I am too easy, too eager, to unwilling to maybe hurt someone even though they are killing me. I still hurt sometimes from the past, from things I could have had and things I have done and things that have been done to me. Lately, I've pushed almost everything down deep, except for the hurt. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just in pain.
I am scared of the dark.
All I want to do is sit around, staring at the internet, with a steady IV of music. Or sleep.
I feel, most days, that I'm not really here. Or maybe like I'll wake up sometime in junior year, realize this was all just a horrible dream and get to make different decisions and have a different life.
Don't let the past define you, use the past to shape who you want to be. I am speaking from experience. It is hard to let go, but you got to and as long as you don't it keeps leading you around by the nose and who likes being led around? Especially by the nose, you don't know where it's fingers been. Who do you want to be? Be that person! Oh, and get something to eat.
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