Sometimes I get really scared that I'm dying.

Not in the "I'm dying a moment at a time" sort of dying. The more immediate and serious kind. I worry about having some sort of horrible disease, living out the rest of my life in pain. I worry so much sometimes that I'll have a minor panic attack and then I'm useless for the rest of the day.

I used to think that because I was so frightened in this way that it meant I did not actually want to die. That wasn't true though. I did not want to be in pain, I did not want to suffer. I simply wanted to cease to exist, like going to sleep for a really long time. I think about death differently now, but the fear still remains.

So I guess this is another thing I have to work on: controlling my anxiety. I'm lucky enough not to spend most of my time in a constant state of stress, but I do have my moments. And usually they are very bad.

It really helps to work it out on here though, I think. I feel like I can think through and explain what's upsetting me freely enough. Like anything else, understanding it can help me beat it.

The one in which I dwell on dwelling.

I think with depression comes a certain kind of paranoia. (Well, maybe this is just me, I'm not an expert.)

It's like this: Your best friend makes a comment about not wanting to date a guy because he isn't a virgin. She doesn't know about particular things in your past, but you immediately feel if she did, she would drop you.

I know depression is as much biological as it is mental. Biologically, there are certain chemicals that do not work properly or don't get produced enough, or whatever it is, that makes people predisposed to feelings of depression. But mentally, there's the dwelling on things. For me, those things are generally my past. So finding out that something I've done is so undesirable to someone I care about leads me to take this thing I've been dwelling on and bottle it up. Out of fear of them leaving, out of fear of humiliation, out of fear of ridicule, out of fear of damnation. And even if they've never given any inclination that something I may have done in my past is despicable to them, the fears are still there. I was willing to do this and I find it awful. How will they react?! I tell myself.

Sometimes, I seek out people who will excuse the things I've done merely because they have also done them. Which is just probably just as bad for me as feeling pre-judged by my peers because these people also tend to encourage my badness.

So that's the thing I'm struggling with at the moment. It's almost ridiculous because I understand that my friends will love me, even if they don't condone what I do. But it's like my brain doesn't want to get with that. It takes willpower that I don't have right now to overcome those nagging fears.

Anxiety and No Real Food.

I feel so useless, my anxiety is getting worse. I can't do anything. I can't even call my dentist to schedule an appointment. I can't text my friend and see if he's okay since his aunt died. I can't tell my parents I still have a tuition payment to make.

I stayed in bed until about 3 today. Missed my classes again. Accomplished nothing. And when I got up, I only got up because I had to go to work, and the entire time, I just wanted to go home and lay down and have a cry.

I brushed my teeth until my gums bled this morning because I was worried about cavities. Then I went back to bed.

I had a hotdog, some 'tator tots, a cup of Easy Mac, a Pop-tart, a Kit-Kat, some Ritz crackers, and a Pecan Delight today. My mom didn't save me dinner like I asked her to, and I got so upset that I just skipped dinner after work. I need to eat real food more often.

This entry is so mundane, but so was today.

I wish I didn't have to ever wake up again.