Sometimes I get really scared that I'm dying.
Not in the "I'm dying a moment at a time" sort of dying. The more immediate and serious kind. I worry about having some sort of horrible disease, living out the rest of my life in pain. I worry so much sometimes that I'll have a minor panic attack and then I'm useless for the rest of the day.
I used to think that because I was so frightened in this way that it meant I did not actually want to die. That wasn't true though. I did not want to be in pain, I did not want to suffer. I simply wanted to cease to exist, like going to sleep for a really long time. I think about death differently now, but the fear still remains.
So I guess this is another thing I have to work on: controlling my anxiety. I'm lucky enough not to spend most of my time in a constant state of stress, but I do have my moments. And usually they are very bad.
It really helps to work it out on here though, I think. I feel like I can think through and explain what's upsetting me freely enough. Like anything else, understanding it can help me beat it.
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