Anxiety and No Real Food.

I feel so useless, my anxiety is getting worse. I can't do anything. I can't even call my dentist to schedule an appointment. I can't text my friend and see if he's okay since his aunt died. I can't tell my parents I still have a tuition payment to make.

I stayed in bed until about 3 today. Missed my classes again. Accomplished nothing. And when I got up, I only got up because I had to go to work, and the entire time, I just wanted to go home and lay down and have a cry.

I brushed my teeth until my gums bled this morning because I was worried about cavities. Then I went back to bed.

I had a hotdog, some 'tator tots, a cup of Easy Mac, a Pop-tart, a Kit-Kat, some Ritz crackers, and a Pecan Delight today. My mom didn't save me dinner like I asked her to, and I got so upset that I just skipped dinner after work. I need to eat real food more often.

This entry is so mundane, but so was today.

I wish I didn't have to ever wake up again.

On the subject of food.

I am hungry because, once again, I didn't eat dinner. Sometimes I forget to eat. Most times, I'm just not hungry.

This little fact really worries me. I love food, I love eating. My dad enjoys cooking and baking and really instilled a love of food in me as I was growing up. Like most children, I was a picky eater. Now, I will eat almost anything. When I feel like eating, that is. Some days, I wake up at 6 a.m. and won't eat until 5 p.m., and that's mostly out of necessity. My stomach may not say I'm hungry, but my head will start hurting and the only way to make it stop is with food.

Other days, it's like I can't stop eating. All I can think about is food and I never feel full. I try to fill up all the empty space inside of me with whatever food is at my disposal. Of course, it doesn't work, and the next day I don't feel like eating at all.

I want to eat like a normal person. Why is it so hard?

Keep Yourself Warm: Frightened Rabbit.

As of now.

If I could start at the beginning, I would. But frankly, I have no idea where or when this began.

So I'll tell you about right now.

I am going to be 20 in exactly two months.
I go to college, but I use "go" loosely, considering I hardly make it to class and I'm probably failing everything.
I work the customer service counter at a grocery store. I both love and hate my job. I love it for the people I work with (though this number continues to dwindle). I hate it because of creepy dudes, rude customers, and awful upper management.
I am not dating. After being used too many times and being almost suffocated by a relationship, I am too weary to do it anymore. I blame most of the things I've suffered in this area on myself. I am too easy, too eager, to unwilling to maybe hurt someone even though they are killing me. I still hurt sometimes from the past, from things I could have had and things I have done and things that have been done to me. Lately, I've pushed almost everything down deep, except for the hurt. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just in pain.
I am scared of the dark.
All I want to do is sit around, staring at the internet, with a steady IV of music. Or sleep.
I feel, most days, that I'm not really here. Or maybe like I'll wake up sometime in junior year, realize this was all just a horrible dream and get to make different decisions and have a different life.

Here it goes.

"But depression is depression, and there isn’t much to talk about concerning it’s existence. It’s simply the feeling of not being there. Existing, but not feeling. Wanting, but not caring. Your body feels like a big, hard brick of moving cement. Awaiting for happiness, eager to smile with motivation by a great act of humor, only to find you’re empty room surrounding you, bare of feelings, thoughts, concerns, or love."

My friend posted this on his Tumblr recently. I don't know how I got to this point. Do these things just happen? I don't know. But I do know that I want to get things off my chest, talk to people, but not really. This is the only way I feel like I can do that.

If you're reading this, you're in for a wild ride as I deal with all this. But thank you for reading anyway.