Sometimes I get really scared that I'm dying.

Not in the "I'm dying a moment at a time" sort of dying. The more immediate and serious kind. I worry about having some sort of horrible disease, living out the rest of my life in pain. I worry so much sometimes that I'll have a minor panic attack and then I'm useless for the rest of the day.

I used to think that because I was so frightened in this way that it meant I did not actually want to die. That wasn't true though. I did not want to be in pain, I did not want to suffer. I simply wanted to cease to exist, like going to sleep for a really long time. I think about death differently now, but the fear still remains.

So I guess this is another thing I have to work on: controlling my anxiety. I'm lucky enough not to spend most of my time in a constant state of stress, but I do have my moments. And usually they are very bad.

It really helps to work it out on here though, I think. I feel like I can think through and explain what's upsetting me freely enough. Like anything else, understanding it can help me beat it.

T is for Third Eye Blind

Can't Get Away | Third Eye Blind

S is for Say Anything

Cemetary | Say Anything

There are too many songs by them that I want to post, but I'm just going to stop right here and save those for later.

I can't think of a better way to spend my Saturday night than watching season one of The X-Files.

I have biggest crush on David Duchovny now.

R is for Red Hot Chili Peppers

I am so glad about their new album.

Soul To Squeeze | Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie | Red Hot Chili Peppers

R is for Rise Against

Yes, I know that I skipped Q. I wanted to do two R posts instead.

The Good Left Undone | Rise Against

Swing Life Away (Acoustic) | Rise Against

If there's any concern as to why I like this band, these two songs should clear it up. They write great songs.

P is for Pearl Jam

Black | Pearl Jam

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life.
I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky.
But why, why, why can't it be in mine?

I think it's pretty sad that I can't talk to a guy without fearing that he has some sort of ulterior motive. I think this speaks volumes about my past experiences. I don't like it one bit.

Of course, I'm not saying all boys only want one thing. But once you've had something happen to you enough times, you just learn to expect it. So this is partly my fault, for letting myself see bad in people even when that bad is not actually there.

But how do I get that trust back? I can't just completely reset my brain. I don't know, I'll work something out.

Music, music and more music

I can't stop. And I don't want to.

Jude Law and a Semester Abroad | Brand New

This is my least favorite Brand New album, but that doesn't mean much because I love it so much.

O is for the Outfields

Your Love | The Outfields

Stand By Me | Ben E. King

Can't stop listening to this.

I have gone out, a possessed witch,   

haunting the black air, braver at night;   

dreaming evil, I have done my hitch   

over the plain houses, light by light:   

lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.   

A woman like that is not a woman, quite.   

I have been her kind.

I have found the warm caves in the woods,   

filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,   

closets, silks, innumerable goods;

fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:   

whining, rearranging the disaligned.

A woman like that is misunderstood.

I have been her kind.

I have ridden in your cart, driver,

waved my nude arms at villages going by,   

learning the last bright routes, survivor   

where your flames still bite my thigh

and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.   

A woman like that is not ashamed to die.   

I have been her kind. 

 

- 'Her Kind' by Anne Sexton

I tend to read through my textbook when I get bored in English classes, and I stumbled upon this poem. I guess it spoke to me. Later in the semester, I had the opportunity to write an essay on any poem in the book, so naturally I chose this one. The essay involved doing a bit of research on the author. I read up on Anne Sexton, which made me read up on Sylvia Plath. These women have tragic stories, but I felt (still feel, but especially then) connected to them. I understood them in a way that scared me but in turn helped me to understand myself. Sometimes, I think people just want to take the things about themselves that are dark and frightening and just tuck them away in a corner of their heart to fester and never resolve. But the only real way that we're able to deal with those parts, come to terms with them, begin to repair them, is to face the ugliness head on.

N is for Neutral Milk Hotel

Two-Headed Boy / Two-Headed Boy Part 2 | Neutral Milk Hotel

So this band is a new find for me. Jesse Lacey, as it happens, is a huge fan of this band. He did a cover of 'Part 2' also. So I downloaded the two albums I could find. I haven't done an intense listening, except for these two songs, but I plan to look up the lyrics and do that soon.

M is for Manchester Orchestra

Where Have You Been? | Manchester Orchestra

This is the first Manchester Orchestra song I ever heard. I saw them in concert at the beginning of the summer and they didn't play it, but I was okay with that. They put on a great show, though I wish their set could have been longer. (I also wish Jesse Lacey would have appeared on stage spontaneously.)

Tonight feels like one of those nights
when you fall asleep on top of the covers, with the lights on

L is for Ludo

Hum Along | Ludo

This song is important to me.

I didn't get to say anything about my job transfer in my post about the move. I meant to talk about it, but I forgot. So I'll do that now.

I've been working at my old store for four years. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I worked ALL THE TIME throughout high school and now during college. So those two factors came together to create a sort of home for me. I really hated it sometimes. I'm good with customers, but I'd prefer to sit around an office filing papers all day to working a customer service counter. People easily frustrate me. Then there were my co-workers. Most of them I got along with just fine, but there was a continual parade of new faces. Toward the end of my time there, I felt like I hardly knew anyone and the ones I did know were very important to me. I began to like my job less and less. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mistreated in any way; I was just really longing for a change of pace. I was sad to leave certain people, but I was glad overall to be transferring.

There are some problems with leaving that store though. There, I had pretty much been granted free reign. The supervisors knew I could do my job and even trusted me with theirs when the occasion called for it (and it often did as we became busier and busier, and the staff seemed to shrink to a skeleton crew). I knew exactly what I was doing at all times. I knew how to deal with all the managers. I built relationships with our regular customers and with fellow employees. I was comfortable and generally at ease.

Now, I'm basically starting from scratch. Sure, I know my way around a register and can navigate the tasks required of me. That's no problem. But I'm certainly uncomfortable.

My first shift was somewhat nightmarish. Since I was scheduled 9-5, I figured my supervisor or some other clerk would be there to give me the rundown. But no, I was alone. I felt nervous enough without that. Those eight hours were pretty grueling. I continually worried about doing something wrong. I mean, not all stores operate the same way, and this is definitely a different environment than my old store.

Tonight, I worked a four hour shift. It was so. much. better. I got my supervisor to explain some stuff to me, and I met the assistant drug manager. I was still very nervous and unsure, but I feel much better about things after tonight. I'll adjust. And since I'll probably be at that store for awhile, I suspect I'll likely get more comfortable and make new friends. Overall, I guess tonight gave me a little boost of optimism.

My blog has somehow become a music blog without me ever realizing it.

I'm okay with this.

K is for The Killers

Couldn't decide which song I wanted to post so you're getting a double feature.

Read My Mind | The Killers

All These Things That I've Done | The Killers

J is for Jack's Mannequin

Bruised (Acoustic) | Jack's Mannequin

Every time I hear this song, I have to listen to it like 15 times in a row.

"the way a human loves another human"

a softer world

Come and lift this curse
so we can bury it deep
where it won't hurt,
and spend our summer
in a backyard romance,
caught in a first glance,
singing,
"Lay love down on me,
lay love down on me."

A little Dramione I was working on for my friend. I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Brushes, more brushes, and a texture.

The Big Move

So I just moved into my first apartment on Monday. This week has definitely been fluctuating between "super stress mode" and "complete relaxation." I'm so glad that I'm able to live on my own (well, kind of, I do have two roommates) because I feel like this is a real step in the right direction.

I've had people tell me not to move out of my parents' house, that I was just trying to grow up too fast. But that's not it at all. Not moving out wasn't really an option for me. My parents didn't kick me out, no, and we're still on fantastic terms, but as soon as I got a job when I was sixteen, my parents started cutting me off, so to speak. So, with a few exceptions, everything I have is my own. I don't owe anyone anything (except for my college debt, but I try not to think about that right now). I own my car, I don't have to borrow any money from my parents for my living expenses, I've even paying my school costs with my own money right now. So, when people say I'm trying to grow up too fast, I tell them that this has been a four year process and that I know I've still got stuff to learn. But getting my own place was actually just the next natural step, no big deal.

Of course, it is kind of a big deal. I mean, for the first time ever, I don't have to answer to my parents about anything. No having to tell them where I'm going or having to be home at 10:30. I admit, that's one of my favorite things about having my own place. I know it's only been a few days, but I can already tell I'm going to settle into this just fine.

So Adrienne and I moved in on Monday. My unpacking was pretty much finished that day. I'm waiting for my friend Alex to come over next week and help me finish putting my bookshelf together so I can unpack all these books I have. (Four. Boxes. Worth.) Ashley just started moving in this morning and it's nice to have someone else to hang around with. I'm hoping that the apartment is a drama-free zone, but I realize that's not always possible with three females living together. I'm just going to do my best to make sure everything's copacetic around here.

Anyway, I'm sure there will be more posts on the subject of living at my own place/having roommates/etc. so I won't bore you with them right now. :)

I is for Iron and Wine

Upward Over the Mountain | Iron & Wine

Jesus Christ | Brand New

Lyrics are basically poetry. This is a particular favorite. I decided to post the lyrics because I'm in a mood for words.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face,
the kind you'd find on someone I could save.
If they don't put me away,
it'll be a miracle.
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed,
the night's hard to get through.

And I will die all alone.
And when I arrive, I won't know anyone.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again.
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
'Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.
And this ship went down in sight of land.
And at the gates, does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief,
but I've had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
God, I know you think that I'm someone you can trust,
but I'm scared I'll get scared,
and I swear I'll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a sign?
So I know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try?
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we got wood and nails,
we turn turn out hate in factories.
Yeah, we all got wood and nails,
we turn turn out hate in factories.
Yeah, we all got wood and nails,
and we sleep inside of this machine.

H is for the Hold Steady. (And also high school.)

Citrus | The Hold Steady

High school was a weird time for me. I had friends, and I suppose people liked me well enough, but I was not popular. Most of my circle of friends were worlds away from me, dabbling in drugs and sex and alcohol. I didn't touch any of it. I wasn't an outsider because of this, but I was the awkward appendage of the group. As much as I wanted to be accepted fully, I couldn't. I worked too much, my parents did not let me go out as often as I liked, I felt shy when it came to those things. But I wasn't perfect, of course, and this made me feel apart from my church friends. I didn't know where I fit.

The thing is, I still don't. I've carved out a little hole for myself in this group of church friends, simultaneously distancing myself from the few that stuck with me through high school. But the fit is awkward, like a pair of jeans that don't sit quite right.

I bring this up right now, under this song, because it reminds me of one of the few places I felt right in. But I guess it was not so much a place as a person and a time when we had no secrets from each other, when we could tell each other anything, talked every single day, without any pretense or awkwardness. It reminds me of when we laughed, back before we learned what the weight of the world really felt like, back when we were really just beginning to learn about ourselves.

I'm feeling... really disconnected.

G is for Green Day

She | Green Day
"She's figured out that all her doubts were someone else's point of view.
Waking up this time to smash the silence with the brick of self-control."

Reason #12132 why I wish I had been put in dance when I was a kid.

I can't even... This is possibly my favorite dance I have ever seen on this show. I wish I could dance half as well as these two. Everything they do looks so natural and effortless. Even when she takes that flying leap into his arms. Oh my goodness.

F is for Frou Frou

Let Go | Frou Frou
(Because I also love Garden State.)

I have a crush on Tom Felton.

And I kind of love the scene that screenshot is from. So yeah, here's this.

I tried to catch some fog earlier...

I mist.

E is for Everclear and Empire of the Sun

A double feature today because I couldn't make up my mind. (Also, my blog has suddenly become a music blog. Idk what's going on. I'll have to find some interesting material soon.)

I Will Buy You a New Life | Everclear


And now for something completely different...

Walking On a Dream | Empire of the Sun

D is for Dido

Here With Me | Dido

Occasionally, I get really geeky and start equating songs with characters in my favorite TV series.  So every time I heard this at work during the last season of Fringe, I was just like This is so Peter and Olivia. ...I've probably lost you now. Oh well.

Brushes!

Having such a lovely time learning how to use GIMP properly. I downloaded some new brushes today, which I plan on putting to good use very soon. In fact, I used these brushes to create my banner thing. I'm quite satisfied with how it turned out, for now at least. I'm sure I'll be lamenting the silly thing once I really figure out what I'm doing. I think I'm going to search for some cool new fonts next, since the ones I have now are severely lacking.

Hogwarts House Analysis

Found this on Tumblr, and I think it's brilliant.

 Hogwarts House Psychoanalysis

Gryffindor
True Gryffindors have a very strong sense of what is right and what is wrong, and this is a part of what gives them such strong opinions. Depending on the person, this may be taken to a Borderline degree, and they may see people as either good or evil, not in between and no chance of redemption for those on the darker sides of things. Alternately, Gryffindors may see all people as being initially good, and only making the wrong choices take the down the wrong road. Both of these behaviours are why Gryffindors and Slytherins can easily clash. Gryffindors are usually incredibly intelligent, but they tend to be slackers, more focused on getting a taste of something new than sticking to responsibility. This can be their downfall from success, or quite the opposite, bringing them a rise up into something they love. Once they find their true place in the world, Gryffindors will often use their accomplishments to the benefit of others in some form or fashion. Actors, singers and athletes can often be classified as Gryffindors. Despite their good intentions, they can also quite often be ill-tempered and overly emotional, which is their Achilles’ Heel in most instances. A darker Gryffindor may become out of control because of this, hurting those they love or holding a grudge for many years.

Hufflepuff
Essentially, Hufflepuffs see the world and their people as ultimately good, and only the darkness of the inevitable turning them away from what they think is right. Because of this, they tend to treat everyone fairly and with sympathy, trying to put themselves in the other person’s shoes before judging them, if they judge them at all. Hufflepuffs are almost always maternal or paternal types, ready to take care of anyone who may come to them. They are dedicated to what they do, and are very focused on making sure everything is done properly, leaving no room for error. Mostly, Hufflepuffs think what they do is right, and Ravenclaws who doubt them may annoy them, but Hufflepuffs hate conflict, so they tend to ignore their irritation. Hufflepuffs are very passive aggressive, doing little things subconsciously when someone makes them angry. This is usually the farthest they will go so far as revenge, as they rarely want to participate in any form of violence. Hufflepuffs are healers in nature, wishing to care to the needs of others. Many nurses, cooks, teachers or counselors are Hufflepuffs.

Ravenclaw
Intelligent and insightful, Ravenclaws are not ones to classify people under any certain category. Instead they often ponder on humanity, what is good, what is evil and why we should classify people as one or the other. Ravenclaws are very philosophical, and often you may see them simply staring off into space, but this is not in some brainless manner, in fact they are exploring the gears of their mind and trying to figure out how the world works. Ravenclaws are focused on their work, but they often don’t need effort. They tend to pick up on every detail and remember it without even trying, something that others may be skeptical of or be jealous of. This can give some a sense of superiority and the idea they should tell everyone the right way to do something, which can easily make others, especially nervous Hufflepuffs or emotional Gryffindors, very irritated. Ravenclaws are very analytic, and this can be very good or very bad. For the kind-hearted this will be a way to help others, for the dark they can use this to twist and manipulate. Ravenclaws are not every emotional, instead they tend to put up a wall and not let anyone in except for perhaps their closest friends or family. Instead they pick at the minds of others, trying to figure out how they work and to see if they themselves are different, or just the same as everyone else. Psychologists, professors and investigators are often Ravenclaws. 

Slytherin
Slytherins have a more cynical view on the world, and believe that there is darkness in the hearts of all, some are just unwilling to accept it. They think anyone who doesn’t realize this is naive or perhaps even stupid, and because of this they can easily clash with Gryffindors or laugh at Hufflepuffs. This said, Slytherins are absolutely in no way evil, some are actually very good. They simply have a drive that carries their life, and if you get in their way you better watch out. Slytherins have an almost bloodthirsty craving for success, and if they don’t think they can achieve this then they can easily fall into a darker place of  self-loathing and take this out on others. Love and accomplishment are the two things that mean the most to them, and they do not understand that the need for the latter can drive away the former, and when the feeling of pride fades or they fail at something, their possible lack of something dear and close to them can hit, and when it hits it hits hard. Slytherins are very emotional, however unlike Gryffindors they very rarely show it. Instead they bottle it up, using it in other ways, some of which may be artistic. Slytherins can very easily connect to art or music. Slytherins usually pick one subject they feel for and stick with it, rather than focusing on them all. This can be an issue academically, and some Slytherins may even drop out of school, but despite this their ambition will drive them to doing something they love, or they will have a downward spiral into depression. Lawyers, doctors and artists are often Slytherins.

(Written by tricksterofthelight.tumblr.com)

I always classify myself as a Ravenclaw, but I've found that I also share many traits with the Slytherins. I guess when Pottermore opens in October I can get sorted and end the internal debate once and for all. 

C is for Clint Mansell

Together We Will Live Forever | Clint Mansell (The Fountain Soundtrack)

I haven't seen this movie, but a friend sent this to me. Forever one of my favorite songs from a soundtrack. And can I just tell you all right now how much I love soundtracks? I do not have nearly enough in my music library.

B is for Brand New

The Edge Takes Over for Vin | Brand New

A is for Army Navy

Silvery Sleds | Army Navy

Alphabet Music Challenge

So on another blog, I came across this Alphabet Music Challenge. Each day, I'll post a song by an artist corresponding to the letter for that day (Day 1 is A, day 2 is B, you get the picture). It sounds like fun, and since I love music, why not?

Ch-ch-changes

I've changed everything about my blog! Even the URL! I've gone crazy, I know. But I really feel like I need to move on. In my previous post, I talked about dwelling. And what a better way to stop dwelling than to discontinue my blog's theme. That doesn't mean I will stop talking about my issues - after all, this is a personal blog - but I've decided it will help to focus on other things. Like music, literature, art, TV, and whatever else suits my fancy. You'll notice quotes from both T.S. Eliot and Wallace Stevens have infiltrated everything already (I'm definitely in love with the American modernists).

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. The point is, there are changes taking place in my life and therefore there are changes taking place on here.

The one in which I dwell on dwelling.

I think with depression comes a certain kind of paranoia. (Well, maybe this is just me, I'm not an expert.)

It's like this: Your best friend makes a comment about not wanting to date a guy because he isn't a virgin. She doesn't know about particular things in your past, but you immediately feel if she did, she would drop you.

I know depression is as much biological as it is mental. Biologically, there are certain chemicals that do not work properly or don't get produced enough, or whatever it is, that makes people predisposed to feelings of depression. But mentally, there's the dwelling on things. For me, those things are generally my past. So finding out that something I've done is so undesirable to someone I care about leads me to take this thing I've been dwelling on and bottle it up. Out of fear of them leaving, out of fear of humiliation, out of fear of ridicule, out of fear of damnation. And even if they've never given any inclination that something I may have done in my past is despicable to them, the fears are still there. I was willing to do this and I find it awful. How will they react?! I tell myself.

Sometimes, I seek out people who will excuse the things I've done merely because they have also done them. Which is just probably just as bad for me as feeling pre-judged by my peers because these people also tend to encourage my badness.

So that's the thing I'm struggling with at the moment. It's almost ridiculous because I understand that my friends will love me, even if they don't condone what I do. But it's like my brain doesn't want to get with that. It takes willpower that I don't have right now to overcome those nagging fears.